Welcome to the world of emotions
Now, let’s figure out what to do with all these feelings.
So why should we pay attention to emotions in the first place?
Emotions play an essential role in our everyday lives and can significantly influence our thoughts, behavior, and overall well-being. They shape what we call “the human experience,” or at least how we perceive it.
Nothing about the human experience is simple, though, and emotions are no exception. Identifying, sorting through, and relaying our emotions can often be tricky. It’s no surprise, then, that the emotions of others only compound the challenges they present.
Being emotionally smart is
Having the ability to recognize emotions, understand their origins, and thoughtfully manage them in ways that unlock the agency and potential of ourselves and others.
Here’s one of the biggest challenges we face
Our most difficult situations in life usually don’t involve things; they involve people. When we face difficulties, we look for solutions. But looking for ways to solve people rarely solves anything.
We are not problems to be solved; we are humans to be engaged.
Whether we are dealing with our own emotions or the emotions of those around us, we can learn to take a step back from the desire to “problem solve” and instead learn to hold space. For ourselves, we can listen to our emotions – learn to identify them, notice how they take shape, where they show up, and how we respond to them. For others, we can offer compassion and empathy through a listening ear without passing judgment or offering unsolicited suggestions.
Every emotion provides us with information
Information alone doesn’t create sustainable change. No matter how good the data is, facts alone can’t overturn years of ingrained thought patterns and behaviors. And, often, over-intellectualizing our experiences is another clever way to avoid our feelings. But, by becoming what we call “emotionally smart,” we can move beyond thought into presence and action.
Working with our emotions
Many of us grew up in environments that labeled certain emotions as appropriate, helpful, or good and others as unproductive, unnecessary, or even bad.
Emotions themselves are not inherently good or bad. It’s how we respond to them that gives shape to their perceived positive or negative nature. Every emotion carries liabilities and assets. For example, fear signals a need for safety within ourselves or our environment, but when taken to an extreme, it causes us to practice unhealthy hyper-vigilance.
By learning how to identify our feelings and how we show up in the world with them, we can empower ourselves with self-awareness. We can foster a sense of agency as we learn to navigate the world while collaborating with our emotions rather than trying to control or stifle them. We can learn to lean in and embrace some of the more vital aspects of humanity.
Though there is a wide gamut of emotions that we experience, it can be said that there are a few basic emotions
- Happiness
- Contempt
- Fear
- Anger
- Disgust
- Sadness
- Surprise
Thinking of emotions as colors can sometimes be helpful. Both exist on a broad spectrum, with nuance and intricacies that we often have difficulty describing in great detail.
Basic emotions
While neither color nor emotion carry any intrinsic positive or negative value, we typically assign that value depending on the context of the situation. A color we ordinarily dislike may prove helpful, important, or even beautiful in the proper context. The same goes for an emotion we typically try to avoid. It can be cathartic, connective, or transformative in the right situation. Conversely, a color or emotion we usually love can be inappropriate or damaging in the wrong environment. And some typically “good” emotions, like joy, happiness, or delight, in the wrong context can be detrimental.
Continuing with this metaphor, just as we can identify the few primary or “basic” emotions, we can whittle colors down to the primary (and secondary) colors, which help define all others. As we mix these colors, however, we discover more of the nuance that runs deep in the spectrum of possibilities. Mix red and blue, and we have purple. A little redder, and we have red-violet. If we mix sadness and disgust, we have guilt. Add a touch of anger, and we have shame.
With this nuance, however, comes an added difficulty in identification. As complexities arise, it can be confusing to truly understand exactly what we’re experiencing, how it compares to what we usually experience, and what we do with it. In the same way that some people have trouble telling the difference between two very similar shades of blue, we may have difficulty telling if we’re experiencing sadness or grief. Our individual experiences are unique, and how we perceive them is deeply personal.
So, while we can rely on a set of basic emotions, it’s important to understand that the spectrum is far-reaching. And the more we can learn about the minute differences between these emotions, the more capable we can become of leaning into them, bringing color to the rich tapestries of life.
Working with our emotions
Like color, emotions can bleed together to create rich, vibrant experiences that transcend the elementary basics we are so familiar with.
Self-Awareness Exercises
Emotional Body Scan
An emotional body scan is one of our favorite ways to connect with our emotions. In this exercise, we focus inward on what we feel, where we feel it, and how big it feels. This allows us to not only give a name to what we’re feeling but also recognize how it affects us and how prevalent it is.
Consider the emotional body scan a sort of self-check-in. We’re learning to communicate our feelings to ourselves. Though they’re innate, we often experience our emotions on autopilot. This exercise puts you back in the driver’s seat.
Take a moment to complete this exercise by closing your eyes and taking a few deep breaths.
- First, name your current emotion(s).
- Second, identify where you feel it is showing up in your body. (often, we find anxiety in our chest, sadness in our back, joy in our stomachs, etc.).
- Lastly, try to give your emotion(s) a rating between 1-10, with 10 being the most intense.
Or, put more simply:
- What am I feeling?
- Where am I feeling it?
- How big is it?
The first step to managing our emotions is having the ability to recognize them.
Feelings & Emotions Wheel
If naming your feelings is a new exercise for you (or even if it’s not!), the Feelings Wheel found to the right is an excellent tool to explore the intricacies of what you’re feeling.
Reflecting on Your Relationship with Emotions
- Are you an emotion feeler or an emotion avoider? Or do you feel some and avoid others?
- Which emotions do you tend to embrace?
- Which emotions do you tend to avoid?
- Are there messages in your past that instructed you to push certain emotions away? What were those messages?
Navigating the emotions of others
Remember, people are not problems to solve; they are humans meant to be engaged.
By practicing boundaries,
we can open ourselves up to hearing what others are going through without taking on their emotions as our own. Instead, we offer validation and support. We allow them to feel seen and heard. It’s not about fixing them or their problems—it’s about them exploring and expressing their emotions in a safe place, free of fear, shame, or guilt.
Statements that can help support others in sharing their feelings
- Thank you for sharing. I can understand that this has been very hard for you.
- Tell me more about that.
- I can imagine that feels _____.
- What I’m hearing you say is ______.
Remember, we want to hold space for others and be fully present for them to ensure we create the environment necessary to foster empathy, compassion, and emotional healing.
To ensure we are genuinely listening, we can follow these tips:
- Limit distractions
- Ask follow-up questions
- Resist the urge to make it about ourselves
- Be interested in understanding them
- Avoid offering solutions unless prompted for suggestions
Becoming Emotionally Smart
Becoming Emotionally Smart is a digital emotional health class brought to you by Onsite. It will help you recognize your emotions, understand where they are coming from, and harness them in ways that unlock your potential.
This accessible digital class includes over 80+ minutes of clinical expertise and an interactive workbook designed to ground, unpack, and apply the concepts to everyday life.
In this class, you will learn
- The advantage of building awareness and expertise in emotions
- To cultivate self-awareness by identifying feelings and tracing them to underlying emotions
- How you may carry stress and healthy ways to manage it
- Practical tools to improve our relationships through emotional regulation
- How to effectively overcome challenges and manage conflict
It’s time to stop ignoring your emotions and start leveraging them.