Am I unlovable?
Discover what’s getting in the way of your relationships and learn to embrace your worth
Have you ever found yourself wondering, “What’s wrong with me?”
- “Am I unlovable?”
- “Why do I suck at relationships?”
- “Am I destined to be alone?”
If these questions have ever crossed your mind, you’re not alone. Many of us have been plagued by these thoughts that make us doubt our worthiness.
We’re all wired for connection—yet many of us struggle to find and sustain healthy relationships. Instead, we find ourselves in the same dysfunctional patterns again and again, leaving us feeling isolated and unlovable.
But what if our issues didn’t start with us? What if we could finally understand what the problem is? What if we could break up with the pattern instead of the person?
In this article, we’ll explore three reasons many of us struggle to create healthy connections in our relationships and how we can overcome the beliefs about ourselves and others that keep us stuck and alone.
Three Things That Keep Us Stuck in Unhealthy Relationship Patterns
1. We Seek External Solutions to Internal Problems
“We can only love others as much as we love ourselves.”—Brené Brown
When we think about the health of our relationships, many of us turn our attention to the connection between the other person and ourselves. While healthy connection with others is an important part of any relationship, all the self-help articles, relationship how-to’s, and couples counseling sessions will not help unless we’re willing to do our own work.
Often, we seek external fixes because they feel less vulnerable and risky than examining the deeply wounded parts of ourselves. Until we look inward at the beliefs we hold about our worth and identity, we’ll continue to find ourselves in the same cyclical patterns over and over. When we gain clarity around how our earliest experiences impact how we show up in our most important relationships, we can begin to create healthy attachments.
At Onsite, we sometimes suggest that “the call is coming from inside the house.” The answer to our deepest desires in life and relationships can often be found by healing our relationships with ourselves.
2. We Pick the Wrong Partners
“We don’t see the world as it is; we see the world as we are.”—Mark Batterson.
Can we decide who we are attracted to? The answer is murky, but most of us choose our partners through the lens of our own worldview. Our lived experience plays an important, and often unconscious, role in our choices
.
It takes self-awareness and intention to get curious about why we gravitate towards certain types of people. In most cases, the people we choose often feel familiar with a pattern in our past or completely opposite of what we experienced. Sometimes we even pendulum between the two extremes.
When we’ve only ever existed in chaos or hurt, our nervous systems can misinterpret unhealth with safety. We often recreate patterns that have hurt us in the past because it is what we’ve learned to equate with love. We repeat what we don’t repair, so until we get curious enough to understand how we approach relationships through the lens of attachment, we’ll continue to play out the same problems with new people.
3. We Hold Onto Inherited or Learned Patterns That Don’t Serve Us or Our Relationships
“Many adult relationship issues are unresolved childhood issues. Find a partner willing to be vulnerable and open about resolving the past.” – Dr. Nicole Lepera
Where do our schemas for relationships come from? From the movies we watch to the dynamics in our homes, we all enter into relationships with pre-conceived expectations and patterns we seek to emulate. If we view our relationships through the lens of our own lived experience, its safe to say that the expectations we have for relationships are also informed by our past.
We all inherit schemas for our past relationships, but in some cases, we hold onto patterns that don’t serve us or the people we’re in relationships with.
Below are a few of the things that shape the patterns we play out in relationships and inform the norms within which we exist—for better and for worse.
What shapes our relational patterns?
What We Experience
- Family of origin
- Attachment Style
- Trauma
What We Consume
- Books
- Television and Movies
- Social Media
What We Inherit
- Generational imprints
- Family Culture
- Cultural Imprints
If your relationship model has historically been unhealthy, there’s good news: it doesn’t have to stay that way. We all have the chance to take agency for our relationships, integrate the patterns and schemas serving us, and give ourselves and others permission to co-create something new together.
Four Invitations to Healing Yourself and Your Relationships
- Do your work: Invest in and prioritize your own healing.
- Seek awareness: Get curious about your unhealthy relationship patterns and how they show up.
- Acknowledge where you have been: Identify the ways your past is impacting your relationships today.
- Surround yourself with supportive community: Seek out trusted voices to speak into your life and grow alongside.
You are lovable. You are worthy. And you deserve connection.
While we may acknowledge this with our heads, it might take some time for this truth to permeate our beliefs and actions. For many of us, our lived experience tells us a different story.
Today, we encourage you to take the first step in turning inward to discover what’s getting in the way of your relationships so that you can embrace the truth of who you are.
You’re worth it.
Ready to break up with destructive patterns and learn a new way of being in relationships?
Onsite’s world-renowned Healthy Love & Relationships is a six-day experience that will help you address the core wounds that drive self-sabotaging behaviors and the need for approval that continues to disrupt your relationships.
If you have a historical pattern of dysfunctional relationships or find yourself frequently disappointed by unmet expectations, this group program provides a safe, nurturing environment essential for rebuilding your self-worth.
